(Ben Collins) My destiny provides me hope I refuse to fall down Beckoning a testimony from a former lost soul I was being treasonous, hiding in the corner sobbing mixing up ingredients, distorted perception was cloudy fortunate and full of life is I how rock a party I was rowdy, huffing on a pipe back then, was more than drowning you said to take a seat, I did that, sobered up I want dedicate my life to Christ, I know it’s not enough unjust, out of touch, so disgusting, I was sick I just want to make a difference for the greatest good within I was steady crumbling, from denial, I tasted death the world outside, could’ve saved me the whole time that I stressed chose to vent for self serving reasons, therapy? I guess need to check myself, before I end up in a ward again 411, Ben.. too much leakage of your past I know.. I’m not looking back, Solo til I see my pack only seeking freedom’s lens with each step, I made, I’d slip back another 10 more my full potential lost it’s grip I just want to make it out alive from this with stories to be told rolling on, no spliff former stoner, but still lit (Happy Tooth) This isn't me speakin, it's someone else entirely. If I told you who I really was would you admire me? Find another dream kid, find someone to sleep with. The further you dig the quicker you end up in deep shit. This journal's to personal you haven't even heard it all. Precision cuts are surgical. Every wound is discernible. I build a perfect wall, until I start to record again. Sorta grim from taking this environment and absorbing it. Born to win, maybe once out of a hundred losses. Been drinkin the poison tellin myself it wasn't toxic. I'm always writing down anecdotes about all these antidotes. And on a random note most days I stay in panic mode. I'm saving my best lines to write in like ten years. So I can say I shoulda been more honest when it gets weird. I wanna make music don't wanna play a character. Even if I'm sharing words, it's scarier from where it hurts. The truth is ugly. (The truth is so ugly, you love it. The truth is ugly like you wanted.) Most people act like they want some real shit like they wanna hear the truth Nobody wants the fuckin truth. The truth is terrible. People run from the truth. They wanna listen to a pop song. They wanna listen to something they can just nod their head to and fade into the fucking background like none of this ever mattered. (This isn't for them.) How straightforward can I be before it becomes abstract? How many days of torture before I can just adapt? What will the future think about all of my garbage? When I'm arrogant enough to think of myself as an artist.

I'm heading back home. This is a bad poem. Buried since the last snow. Depression like a black hole. x2 Woke up stressed to see my breath in the middle of the night. When being more alive gets normalized I'll die and be immortalized by the picking of my fights and borderlines. I want a smoother future by any means necessary. Most people are sedentary, life's temporary, ending in cemeteries. Then I'm glaring, or waxing philosophical. When you're broke or broken paying half the bill is logical. I wanna stop it all. I wanna stop. When I was younger I would stay out longer in the cold. I lost that hunger in the monsters I pulled from my soul. I wanna be cold again. Take a deep breath, hold it in. Only a wound or a gun know where a bullet's been. And I'm hypothermia. They would die to murder ya. Eating me recently this pain in my stomach like a hernia. My skin won't heal itself. Sensations are real as hell. I wanna freeze time until I'm really feeling well. I don't wanna live near powerlines. I think we're about to die. Found the time to breath deeper and now my blood is alkalized. Then I end up uncomfortable. Bloody at the laundromat. Thought I was feeling fine and then my misfortune brought it back. I no longer run from it. I'm one with it. Becoming it. No one can be as numb as this. And I don't wanna quit. x4 (Ben Collins) I've got faith that I value, my attitude was demented. Cracked mirrors from my ugliness. Summoned by your perfection. Earth will resemble Heaven. Got sick of bein offensive. Pleadin from my addictions and always feelin so fed up. Pent up aggression was killin me. Traded all my sins for peace. Forgiveness lets me feel complete. I'm singin with this symphony. So healing from me spiritually. When I speak about what I see. Experience reality. Grateful that I can found some peace. Thoughts are movin mountains. Got used to doubtin myself in you. Had to move past all the shoutin fits. Denial was my noose. Grew comfortable with numb until it cut me up and left me through in a puddle of "what-to-dos." Only due to mercy true.

(Ben Collins) Things are feeling promising. I can see my destiny. Not dwelling I want to breathe. Love was right in front of me. Making progress as I should. Used to be nobody good. Brainwashed myself into pain. I know life is not a game. You lent a hand, a second chance, I only wanted fame. You never ran you saved my life. Thought I could get away A paradise requires peace. I owe it all to you. Nearly consumed by hate. Here cause you pulled me through. Things are feeling promising. I can see my destiny. Not dwelling I want to breathe. Love was right in front of me. Making progress as I should. Used to be nobody good. Brainwashed myself into pain. I know life is not a game. (Happy Tooth) I know who I used to be. Changed myself up beautifully. Lately I've been losing sleep, thinking of my useless dreams. This life used to be promising. But I spent it auctioning off some things. Trying to talk to kings, about fake angels, halos, with awkward wings. People aren't what they're seeming. More often they're deceiving us. Mischevious. I've devious in the way I'm perceiving trust. Don't believe in us. I've been a piece of shit. Full of weaknesses. Genius kid. Workin through the weekends. With gigs I'm the sleepiest. Leaving quick, I don't need this shit it distracts me. Emotions I emit admittedly badly are a product of society. Been stuck on life, like why we breathe. Not who I would like to be. Found ways to fly finally. Wrote this song on Christmas Eve. Now it's Christmas Day it seems. I just hope on New Year's Day, resolutions stay the same.